Movie Review!
Having had roughly 24 hours to digest the disappointment that was Cloverfield, I decided to sit down and actually write out my impressions of the film (complete with spoiler tag for those who've yet to see it). Click the cut tag below for the review.




Some things we know: Cloverfield was a marketing genius, the result of the MySpace and YouTube generation salivating over a mysterious series of teasers that began before the premiere of Transformers. J.J. Abrams (he of Alias, Lost and Mission Impossible III fame) enticed us with images of a decapitated Statue of Liberty and a burning, destroyed Manhattan skyscrape.

So naturally, once 1-18-08 rolled around, everyone and their grandmother would in line, cell phones in hand and Bluetooth devices in ear, waiting to see it. So a huge opening weekend was guaranteed, but ... what about the film itself? Does Cloverfield succeed?

Well ... that depends on the film's objective. If Abrams meant to piss us all off, then I'd say Cloverfield was a rousing success. Otherwise, it's a huge letdown.

For some reason, the first 20 minutes stick us in the middle of some lover's day at Coney Island and a going-away party for the "lead character," Rob (I'm not bothering to tell you who's playing these characters, because I don't care and you likely never heard of them anyway). The film tries to get us to care about characters who will likely meet their demise by the end of the film, and even the most dense of viewers could figure out early on that Rob would never make it to Japan the following morning.

So ... ignoring the crappy and ultimately needless opening exposition, Cloverfield tries to combine Godzilla with The Blair Witch Project, resulting in a film that sometimes is physically hard to watch. I'm not one prone to motion sickness, but a few of the instances where the handheld camera jerked and shook actually made me nauseous (or was that the hot dog I bought from the conscession stand? I couldn't tell). The handheld view worked in terms of keeping the action immediate and making the inplausible seem probable, but it did make the film hard to watch at times.

Also not helping Cloverfield's cause? The obvious parallels to 9-11. A massive creature rampaging through New York City ... naturally, some buildings are going to fall. But beyond that ... the Statue of Liberty got her head cut off, and the creature decided to use it as a bowling ball down the street. Then, the Empire State Building crumbles (much like the Twin Towers did on that tragic day) and the rubble rolls down the street in footage that looked like it was taken right from CNN. The similarities (oh, the Brooklyn Bridge gets fucked over, too) were a bit uncomfortable for me.

Rob is a moron. His girlfriend-not-girlfriend Beth (who we alo don't give two shits about -- and that gold dress she wore at the party at the open? HIDEOUS!!) is trapped high in her apartment building (floor 39 ... since it's an Abrams thing, I expected floor 47), which is right next to where the big bad monster started its rampage. In fact, when Rob and gang see it, her building is doing its Leaning Tower of Piza impession -- held up only by the neighboring building.

Why do his friends tag along, you ask? Well, because the story needs more than one character, especailly when one of the characters is also the camera man. Apparently, if the camera doesn't see it, it doesn't happen.

But before Rob and the gang make it to Beth's apartment building, they go through the tunnels, assuming they'd be safer underground. Nice in theory ... only the bigass monster (which we've only caught teasing glimpses of at this point) comes with tiny spider-like creatures, things that honestly reminded me of the Brood from X-Men fame. We don't know what they are, what they're called or what they do, but they're there, terrorizing everyone and fucking up the military's full-on assault.

Somehow, they rescue Beth (who somehow isn't dead, even with a metal bar sticking out of her chest). And somehow, they make it out of the building. And somehow, when the monster slaps down the helicopter they'd all escaped in, they don't die. Suspension of disbelief is really hard to maintain in this flim (damn, that camera's got a strong battery!), specifically when the cameraman literally watches the monster kill him (though this is our first truly good look at the thing's face).

Okay, so ... simplistic writing. Bland characters I don't care about. Things so far-fetched I can't maintain a suspension of disbelief. What else am I missing ... oh yeah. If you're looking for an explanation or closure of some sort, this movie will disappoint you tremendously. The monster is never given a name, its spider-like inklings likewise. After one attacks one of the gang (whose name I forgot ... how's that for a weak character), she suddenly blurts out she doesn't feel so good, spews blood and ... dies.

What happened? Good luck finding out. The military might know, but they're not telling. They're too busy fighting the monster (and failing). And what's with this whole disease thing? It was mentioned once, then tossed aside.

But nothing beats the ending. Or, more accurately, the lack of it.

Imagine this. The helicopter crashed, the cameraman dead. It's just Rob and Beth now, against the monster. They hide under a bridge in Central Park (as if THAT'S going to protect them from Anonymous the Giant Thingy) and say their predictable I love you's into the camera. Then, an explosion. Bridge gone, camera dropped (but STILL not broken!), Rob and Beth dead.

One last glimpse of the two at Coney Island. Then ... credits.

That's it. End of movie. No explanation, no name for the monster, no aftermath. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I think a user on the website Ain't It Cool News described it best: Cloverfield is like someone jerking you off, then stopping abruptly just before the massive finale.

As Spike once put it, "Well, that was a slap and a tickle."

I want my money back. Cloverfield will be successful, thanks to its viral marketing strategy and the name J.J. Abrams. And there is plenty to like in this fllm -- the subway sequence is genuinely suspenseful and terrifying, and the effects are masterful given the way this film was shot -- but the flaws are too much to ignore, and ruin the film. I love Alias, but for me, nothing else Abrams has touched comes close. I'm mildly curious about his Star Trek prequel (for which there is a trailer before Cloverfield, but I'm wary about that one now as well.

Go see Cloverfield if you're so inclined. And if you liked it, that's great. Just don't be surprised if you leave the theatre a little nauseous and with blue balls.